I get a lot of letters from people who are working through the early-stage grief cycles of loved ones who are in the death process - meaning, they are likely terminally ill (or have been terminally injured somehow) and their biomechanical processes are coming to an end. There are a lot - and I mean a LOT - of emotions around these events, and it would be difficult to write anything that could fully address all of those emotions. But I've noticed that a lot of my readers are interested less in diminishing their own grief, but instead are more interested in helping their loved one transition well. This is a very valid pursuit, and one our westernized culture honors very little. We focus so much on grieving - an entire industry has sprung up around it, actually - that we forget that those who transitioned needed support, too, and that in our grief - our worry about how we would feel when we couldn't see them anymore - we forgot to offer the care and compassion they likely needed to transition well. This is my attempt at addressing that need.
Dying is a Process - Not an Event
The first thing we can do - in helping others and ourselves - is to understand that biomechanical death isn't an event so much as it is a process. Even when it comes suddenly, there still a process involved (albeit an expedited one). For more information about the process of biomechanical death, take
a look at Dr. Sam Parnia's research here. It's a long video - almost 45 minutes I believe. Watch when you have time.
Remembering or Revisiting the Past
When the process of death is protracted - as in an illness or disability of some type - it is important for those of us who are supporting the process to understand that our loved one may experience periods of nostalgic recollection; they may visit the "good ol' days" quite often. You may hear the same memories recalled over and over; this is okay. Sit patiently with them; listen each time. Understand that they are watching the movie of their lives unfold, and for some of them it may be the very first time they've paid attention to it!
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| We can support our dying loved ones through the process of their transition - even while we grieve. |
It's Okay to Be Silent
Another very important way we can help our loved ones make their transition peacefully is by offering them silence when they need or want it. This sounds elementary, I realize, and doesn't necessarily coincide with our western culture's mandate that we "talk through" everything, but the process of biomechanical death can be spiritually taxing on even the most prepared of us, and lots of times loved ones - with the best of intentions - want to fill up our silent spaces with chatter about any and everything. This is because silence has a tendency to make us comfortable and make us feel like we need to fill it with noise. There may be times where this is appropriate, but please take your queues from the loved one whose passage you are witness to. I've seen many families make this mistake, believing their chatter and laughter
It's Okay to Grieve
Another way we can help our loves ones transition peacefully is to allow ourselves - alongside them - tiem to grieve. In the cases of protracted illnesses, grief doesn't necessarily start after biomechanical death. It can begin long before that - and we often feel it's best to hide these feelings until after the eventual demise of those we are grieving. But that isn't necessarily true - it may be that our loved one wants to share in that grief with us. Maybe they want us to know that they'll miss us too! It's a journey, after all, and not a destination. It should be something we undertake together.
It's Okay to Leave
Finally, one of the very best ways we can help our loved ones make the peaceful transition through the Veil is by communicating to them - in no uncertain terms - that's its okay for them to leave. We need to make sure they understand that while, yes, we will grieve them, we will be alright. I have stood with families whose loved ones would not let go - held on desperately to the threads of life - until they knew for certain that their families were okay with them leaving! This is enormously important - both for those departing on the next step of their journey, and for those who will continue theirs here. It gives those of us remaining a sense of closure and finality, while those who journey on can be at peace knowing that their families understood.
These are very simple actions. They don't cost us any money and only a little bit of time. But is it really a cost, when that time is invested in helping our loved ones journey on? These simple but profound tactics can make an enormous difference to our loves ones, and help our own grief seem less like the sharp edge of a blade and more like a dull ache.
