I am sure by now that it's no secret that I believe death is the greatest lie we've ever been told.
But that doesn't remove us from grief, does it?
In a recent study, grief was shown to be an enormous motivating factor in the uptick in usage of mental health services and even public health infrastructure, even for those whose loss happened long ago. Further statistics indicate that grief knows no age limits or socioeconomic boundaries. So grief, it seems, is the great equalizer - kind of like its cousin death. We all are destined to experience it, and there seems to be no way to eliminate it.
I'm reminded, though, of a quote by the Sufi philosopher Rumi.
Is grief a product of our love? Or is it a product of how we love?
Maybe it doesn't matter.
When we grieve, we don't care how or why or when. We just know that it hurts. And for many of us, grief becomes a weight that we carry forever. Some of us are never able to find relief from the burden of sadness that often comes with the initial onset of grieving. This happens so often that grief - the very word itself - is assocated with sadness and deep longing for something or someone that is no longer present physically.
I can tell you for sure that grief isn't just the sadness. But no matter how much I tell you that, if you're new to it, it feels like the sadness is all there is, and you can't ever imagine not feeling it. So if you're going through this part of grief right now, believe it or not, there are a few things you can do to help yourself feel at least marginally better.
Choose to Spend Time with Others
First, make time to spend with loved ones or friends who are still with you. This is perhaps the most important thing you can do to help yourself feel better. Be selective here, though: if you've got that one relative that just wants to keep talking about the past and forever sit with days gone by, this might be the person to keep at arm's length, just now. What you need is a support system of friends and family who want to help you ease the sharp edge of grief, not make you bleed from it.
Eliminate Wasteful Thinking
Wasteful thinking is perhaps the hardest part of the early journey in grief. Thoughts like "If I'd only..." or "what if..." or "If I hadn't...." These are the hardest thoughts to endure! But the good news is you don't have to endure them. They'll come, to be sure - but you can reject these thoughts. You'll know you're thinking them when you start feeling really down and helpless. That's when you need to ask yourself "hey, what am I thinking right now? how is it making me feel?" And this can help stop the destructive cyclical thinking that often comes with this type of self-doubt and questioning. These thoughts aren't helpful - they're wasteful. They eat away at your energy resources and provide no good solutions for you in your grief journey. Empower yourself to eliminate them. You'll find that it makes an enormous difference.
Embrace the Departure
Whatever or whomever it is you're grieving, understand that grief is part of the journey of meaning. If something or someone meant something to you, grief is a symptom/sign of that meaning. It is not to be avoided. And the departure of someone or something that meant so much to us naturally leaves us in a state of longing and emptiness. In time, though, the rhythms of life will fill your cup again. Embrace the departure of whatever/whomever you loved- it is part of the cycles of life here on our planet, and know that the disappearnce of who or what you loved doesn't mean that they/it are gone; only that you can no longer see them with your eyes. Hearts always tell love stories, and death has little bearing on those.
Understand that Grief is a Journey
Grief isn't a place to live. It is a journey. And no one - not even grief experts - can tell you have to walk your path. That is your story, and it is up to you to write it. It's okay if some days you feel great - don't feel guilty about that. It's also okay if other days you feel like you're sinking. Don't feel guilty about that, either. Know that one day at some point in your journey, it won't hurt as much. You'll still grieve; but the sadness will have been replaced by a nostalgic remembrance that brings smiles to your face or even laughter to your heart. Your timeline has been forvever irrevocably altered by this event, ande it's okay to acknowledge its impact.
Yes, the initial visits from grief hurt quite a bit. For some, these visits are much longer than for others. But there is no set timeline for grief. It has no horizon. It doesn't leave you - but it does change, and eventually it will no longer be a sharp blade that cuts at you, but instead it will be a warm embrace that comforts you along your journey.
Sit with it for a while.
Life will be different, for sure. But it will still be good.
